|"What? I feel like standing..."|
|1st appearance:||Fallen Arches|
|Voice Artist:||Dana Snyder|
The Alchemist is a member of The Order of the Triad, along with Dr. Orpheus and Jefferson Twilight. He's mostly a traditional scholar (ie: he reads books) who has a MySpace used for checking up on cheating boyfriends. He claims to be disguised as a "paunchy gay guy who loves Jimmy Buffett." Hiding in plain sight. He is homosexual and has been shown to find many men such as The Outrider and Torrid attractive.
The objective of his current efforts is the cure for AIDS. The Alchemist considers this project part of his search for Enlightenment; however, he joins the Order of the Triad for publicity.
Despite being a modern kind of guy he still lives in a place that resembles a medieval monastery and sleeps on a horse hair bed. He is also the biggest expert on the 19th century that Dr. Orpheus knows, making him incredibly useful for solving the riddle of the Orb. He previously dated Shore Leave but got too clingy and Shore Leave had his memory wiped so he would leave him alone. However the two seem to have since reconciled.
 Episode Appearances
- Fallen Arches
- ¡Viva los Muertos!
- Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part 1)
- Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part 2)
- The Doctor Is Sin
- The Buddy System
- What Goes Down, Must Come Up
- The Better Man
- Everybody Comes to Hank's
- Operation: P.R.O.M.
- A Very Venture Halloween